What Do We Want from Life?

Life is so full of choice. There are so many lifestyles and options available to us that it is rather overwhelming. With each choice there are consequences or sacrifices with each one. There is no perfect fit for everyone. If we choose to work outside our home, we are loosing family time and time to discover our own talents. If we choose to work in the home we are loosing money making abilities and sometimes it is hard to focus on ourselves. If we send our kids to school we missing seeing the look of discovery on their face and precious moments with them. If we home school our children we as parents miss out on our own down time during the day and may be kept more busy as we are doing the leg work for their learning.

None of the choices above are bad or good, they are just different and with them have different sacrifices. There are benefits to all the above choices as well.

What we need to decide is what is the lifestyle or life choice that we want to live. Some people, and from my own preceptions it is mostly women, seem to want to have it all. We all want to be Martha Stewarts, which is not a bad thing, it's just not that realistic. To think we can have the perfect house and the perfect cookies, and the perfect homemade costumes or gifts, and having the perfect job and the perfect income and with that creating a perfect family, while it is great to try to have the idea of it, ] it makes me exhausted just thinking about it. It is almost impossible to have all those things without having help. Instead we need to figure out what we really want. Not worry about trying to have it all, because some of "it" we don't actually want.

So, what are someways that we can figure out what exactly we want? What will make ourselves and our families the best we can be? For those things are highly individualistic. Here are some of my musings.

pictures from salon.com

1. Have a Family Meeting
Family meetings are a great time to connect and see how everything is going. It's a way for each member of the family to voice their hopes and dreams in a safe environment and when they can come together and brainstorm ways to make dreams come true. It is also a great way to help each other prioritize and possibly even come up with a family mission statement so that everyone knows what they are working for and why they are doing it. Through these meetings the lifestyle of your family can be set to everyone's satisfaction, or at least mostly satisfied. Everyone may need to sacrifice something that may not be as important for the time being and then focus on it later.

This is also a great way for the domestic engineer to voice where she or he needs help and get the family on board for the domestic work that needs doing. While not every domestic engineer is going to have a eager volunteers, every little bit does help. Especially when there are still young children in the home. It is amazing what little work you can do with a toddler around who likes to empty cupboards and drawers. If your family doesn't know that you need help then they won't know what to do. You need to let them know so that hopefully they will help you.

2. Priorities
It is so important to get your priorities in tune with your partner/family. If they are not in sync then it is really hard to feel focused. You will feel tugged in a billion directions as you are trying to make your priorities happen, while also trying to support your spouse in their priorities and then if you have kids, you want their priorities to happen too. That is too much for one person.

To some families having a big birthday bash for everyone's birthday could be super important. If that is the case then perhaps they wouldn't go on so many vacations. Or, maybe vacations aren't as important as focusing on good nutrition. Figuring out your priorities (financial, personal) is really figuring out where you want to direct your energies. So, if, for example, your priority is organizing the house, you need to direct your energy towards going through stuff, making decisions to get rid of things, not bringing in anything that is not vitally important. Now may not be best the time to go on some fad diet or becoming the chair of a volunteer committee. We only have so much time and energy so it is important that we direct to what is most important to us, otherwise frustration will set in.

3. Have Realistic Expectations
So you have your priorities all set, you have had a family meeting you feel you have a focus. Well, you may wake up one morning not feeling like having to do what you have set out to do. Or you may not receive the help that was agreed on. Or perhaps you start coveting the happiness you think others are having around you. Life happens. You have to take one day at a time. Try to stay focused, but if you have an off day, that's okay. The important thing is we have more on days than off. We just need to keep plodding along and not give up on what we know we can achieve. If you are making a major lifestyle overhaul it is going to take time. You and your family will need time to adjust.

My two older children asked for more consistent responsibilities. I was all for that and came up with age appropriate ones such as setting the table, sweeping the floor and making sure the clothes were off their bedroom floor. We discussed it with them and they were all for it. Well, I called Miss G. in and asked her to set the table. Well, she came in and said, "Mom, I'm a kid not a maid. Do I look like a maid to you?" Now I'm not sure where she picked up such phrases. I'm pretty sure I haven't said that, but then I may have. Well, I as calmly as I can (calmness is something I must work at sometimes, especially when I am getting dinner ready) I explained that this was her night for that responsibility and reminded her that she agreed to it and we all had to help. She still wasn't the cheerful helper I was envisioning, but she still did it. Would I have preferred a smiling, less exasperating child? Yep. But, I was happy with what I got, a set table. We aren't going to have everything workout like a movie where everyone is happy and helping, but if we keep it real, our expectations can still be met, just with a huge dose of reality.

These are just someways that we can get focus in our lives, and through that see results and happiness come. Happiness really starts with you, and then as a bi-product helps others be happy too. It is hard, life is not always easy. But, it can be joyful. We just need to get onboard with those around us and have realistic expectations. Next week I will talking about To Do lists, and how they can be a help in our lives.

What are some ways you are able to find focus and thus happiness in your life?

So... what do you do?

Sorry for the hiatus. Last week when I was sitting down to write my post, a simple one about to-do lists, it kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger. I realized I had so much to say, that it was really like two or three blog posts. So, I decided to stop and take a week to figure things out and break it down. Hopefully I have been able to do so, and I won't go off on any crazy tangents. I still feel my thoughts are scattered. Let's see where this post takes us.

There will be times when I have to fill out a form, or when I am talking with another group of adults and inevitably the question will come, "So, what do you do?"

How do you answer that? The term "housewife" seems antiquated and now is used as a word that is almost synonymous with trophy wife. "Homemaker" is another term that doesn't quite fit. Using the term "full-time mom" is a bit closer, but, may make other women who are working outside the home feel that they are not pulling their own weight as mothers, as they have a full-time career outside the home. You don't stop being a mom just because you are not with your kids all the time. You are a mother always. Some people have adopted "domestic engineer". I kind of like that. It makes those who choose to stay at home full-time seem industrious, building something, and for lack of a better word, worthy of respect from those who work mostly in a corporate setting.

I know this might seem like over thinking things, but in today's world, when you stay home to raise your kids, or to make your home more industrious, society either looks at you as if you are too stupid to get a job, or some crazy hippie lady who is trying to make some political statement (no disrespect to actual hippie ladies), or you are trying to cash in on your rich husband. None of those accurately represent the majority of women or men who stay home, and they do not accurately represent me. Though, if my husband did get rich, I wouldn't complain. Society just doesn't get that some people just want to make their home a thriving and loving place to live full-time. That I would rather be the one that raised my kids, then paying others to do it for me. This decision is not an easy one to make and it comes with lots of sacrifice, but then, if we are trying to live more simply without all the stuff that says "you are successful" the sacrifices don't seem as great. It is getting to that point mentally that is tough though. As I have stated before on the blog, I can be a bit of a magpie, I like new and shiny things.

Okay, so now you have labelled yourself as a "domestic engineer". What the heck does that actually mean? What is the actual job description? Well, there isn't one. Or at least, there is no one fits all description. And that is where it becomes difficult for others to know what you do, and for you to know what you do yourself. I decided to make a list of all the different roles I do as a domestic engineer. In the space of about 5 minutes I came up with over thirty different roles. I won't list them all, but here is a random sampling: dietician, spiritual leader, event coordinator, laundress, walking encyclopedia, interior decorator, stylist, and teacher. That's a lot for one person to do with just that list, and then put even more on top of that and okey dokes. That is crazy.

a random sampling of things representing what a domestic engineer does

With all the different hats we wear it can be overwhelming. We want to do everything  and do it flawlessly. When we fall short of that standard, even though we are doing our best, we can feel frustrated and discouraged. Being a domestic engineer is an organic and moving job. This means we need to be flexible and forgiving. Life throws us curve balls, and we need to be able to be adaptable to those. And we have to remember the mantra, times and seasons. Sometimes it can be tough to be that flexible. I would love to have a set schedule, but I have discovered, that kids don't always want to follow that schedule, thus making being adaptable essential. (That was definitely an AHA! moment.)

Another difficult aspect with being a domestic engineer is that it is at times a solitary endeavor. Your spouse is off at work, your have young children at home. You need to be self motivating at times when you just want to through in the towel. You feel outside pressures coming at your because your house isn't perfect, you aren't looking perfect. It can be tough. When you are feeling those pressures get to you, reach out to trusted friends, online groups, or reread your favourite blog posts or inspirational quotes. If you are religious, turn your focus to God and his teachings to help you get the motivation to keep going. Being a self-started can be tough, but you just need to pull up your bootstraps and do it. Once you begin, it is amazing what else you can get done.

So while we are don't necessarily have a working definition of a domestic engineer, we know that it encompasses a lot, and that we are fortunate in our "job" to tailor it to fit our and our families' needs. That is a luxury not every job comes with.

Next week I will discuss ways we can gain focus in our role as domestic engineers and through that focus how happiness in our role can be achieved.

I hope you have a wonderful and happy weekend!

Fall Fun

Well, the weather is getting cooler. The nights are getting darker earlier. I can definitely say that we are for sure in fall.

I love fall. I love seeing the leaves change. I love making big leaf piles. I don't like it when neighbours rake their leaves to the side of the road making it impossible for cars to park on the street. But other than that, I love fall.

I love the orange pumpkins, the red leaves and the brown memories of summer fun. I love the smell of foods being baked or roasted in the oven. I love the sound of the furnace turning on in the morning to heat up the house. So far that is the only time we have needed it on. The house has been able to maintain a decent temperature throughout the day which will be very nice for our gas bill.

This past Sunday we all went out and raked the leaves that were littering our driveway. I am not sure what type of tree is out there. I really must get serious and find out, but I think it might be part of the willow family... but it could really be anything. It has a billion leaves on it. They are slender and longish and when one falls, they all seem to. One morning we left for school and there was a few leaves on the ground. When we were walking back six hours later, you could barely see our driveway it was so covered in leaves. The girls thought that was pretty awesome.

Well as I stated before, on Sunday we all went out and raked leaves. We made a very large pile. All of us girls ganged up on my husband and threw leaves at him, and he got us back. My 19 month old rain along our neighbours front yards... about four houses down and when I was looked to see what she was running to I had to laugh. It was one of those little tykes cars that are yellow on top and red on the bottom. It was sitting out at the end of their driveway with some other junk they were putting out for garbage day. By the time I caught up to her she had already settled herself in and was excited at the prospect of the drive. So, I started to push the car back to our house where it has a new home. There wasn't anything wrong with it, just a bit cobwebby. The girls had a blast pushing their sister around and pushing each other into the leaves.

the oldest and the youngest going for a ride in the car

I think the highlight was when we buried the middle daughter in the leaf pile. She thought it was hilarious. I did too. What a fun afternoon.

she was dressed up like a witch so you can see the tip of her hat and the points of her shoes

That sense of family togetherness, adventure and joy has buoyed me up all week. I am so glad that we have those special moments. Those moments, when there is no squabbling, there are no dishes or other household chores to worry about. We are all working together, laughing together, and having fun together.

Sometimes those moments are organic, like this Sunday seemed to be. Sometimes they need to be a bit more contrived by the parent. And you know what, that's okay. I think the important thing is that we contrive and then let it develop into an organic feeling. The kids don't know or care if some activities are planned or not, what they care about is feeling loved and happy. They want to feel those feelings, and if they feel it through something that you planned out, that is great. And if it happens all on its own, that's great too!

What do you like to do for fall fun?

Happy Thanksgiving for all those in Canada!

Okay Cosmic Forces. I'm listening.

I want to have my house completely de-cluttered. I can't handle all the extra junk we have around. My husband sees everything as treasures. As you can imagine this means we are often at a standstill. I seem to go through spurts where I am really gungho and can get through lots of junk and can keep on top of the regular day to day tidying and cleaning. Then I go into a slump of frustration and tiredness and not caring and then go back to my energetic "let's get rid of this junk" period. Do you go through those cycles too?

Well, I was beginning to get into my energetic period. I had lot of plans for last weekend and this week. I was going to get so many projects done. I was even exercising everyday and feeling great about attaining my personal goals and my household goals. Then it happened. I was trying to get around my 19 month old who was in the middle of the doorway and whack. I totally slammed my foot against the door frame. Now this wasn't just your average hitting of foot against something. My foot was going on full speed velocity, for I was sure I had enough clearance. Man did it hurt. I managed to hobble my kids to school in the morning. When I got back and looked at my toe it was swollen and started to bruise. It looked like the toes of the people in the movie WALL-E. Basically a chubby circle. Usually my toes are very slender. (The only part of me that is.) I was 80% sure it wasn't broken, and anything I read about toe injuries said that you needed to rest it and keep it elevated. So that's what I did.

Well, a week later, a trip to my amazing and talented chiropractor (Dr. Moeller of Vital-Links, as I said during the appointment, you are magic) and no longer having my husband refer to my as hobbilty hobbit (he really loves me, for serious), I have had time to reflect on my injury, my recovery, and what this might mean in the grand cosmic scheme of things.

I need to slow down and let things take its course. That is a very difficult thing to do. When I get in my "at the end of the rope things need to change now" mentality I want to just go, go, go and get everything possible done. I think I need to relax. Take things slow. Break things down into manageable chunks so I don't get burnt out and get into my slumps. I need to not overburden myself so I become resentful when I am not getting the support or glowing praise I think I should receive. I also have to prioritize what is important and not try to constantly please everyone, because when I do that I really don't please anyone.

I also discovered that I need to do a better job of teaching my children and husband that they are working parts of the household. While I may be the domestic COO they play an important role in the success of our family and household. Just because I am out of commission for a few days does not mean that things should get out of control and that I need to do with everything. We definitely need to have some give and take with each other and our roles. And take to heart the saying "first observe then serve". We need to always look out for each other and always think of ways we can help one another to make our burdens light.

Now, it is one thing to come to these conclusions and want to do better and have things change. It is quite another to actual implement the necessary changes. We are creatures of habit. We do not like to have to change our routines or ways. We may know we have to but the hard work involved sometimes makes feel overwhelmed.

So, how do we get over these feelings of overwhelmedness? I'm not sure. If I knew the answer for sure I think my life and relationships would be vastly different and at times less frustrating. But, I should come up with something to help with starting the discussion. So, let's see. Think, think, think.

1. Be completely open and honest about your hopes, dreams and changes that should be made. Unless you can clearly articulate and take the brave step of letting others know, changes and the help necessary to makes these changes happen won't be able to happen.
2. Get everyone on board. If you are trying to make changes that will affect your spouse, kids, or household in general, you need to get everyone on board or at least get their support. This might mean changing or modifying the end result that you have in your mind. This can be a good thing and you might end up with an even better result. It is much better when you can work as a team. Hopefully your family will be more willing to help out when they feel they are participating members in the process instead of being dictated to.
3. If you mess up don't beat yourself up. Just pick yourself up and keep on trucking. One misstep shouldn't derail the entire enterprise.
4. Accept your limits and then work within them. Instead of wishing things were different or wanting things that are just not feasible at this time, (like a new house or renovated kitchen) look at the parameters you have to work with and work within them. You will be amazed what you can accomplish without a lot.
5. Don't wait for others to take the lead. Once your family has come to a consensus don't want for one of them to take the lead. Do what you agreed to do. Even if they haven't done their stuff yet. Hopefully this example will help motivate them and they will do their commitments.

I am sure that there are other steps or better steps, but that is what I came up with. These are probably things I need to do for myself as these seem to be a lot of my foibles.

While having a very major bruised foot was not really my plan, I am thankful that I was able to slow down. That things that were annoying me were able to be discovered and I could figure out what was needed so that my family and I could become better. So while I am grateful, hopefully the next time the cosmos want to teach me something they do so in a less painful way.

Have a happy weekend!