Don't Look for the Living Among the Dead

Sorry for the late post. Yesterday we were at a friends house with a bunch of other families having fun. We didn't get home until later than I was expecting.

It is Easter time. It is a time of rebirth for the earth and for the soul. For me it is also a time I reflect upon the resurrection of Jesus Christ and what that means in my life. The following is a video that portrays that well.

In the New Testament account of Christ's resurrection, an angel says to Mary, "Why look for the living among the dead?" Now while in this account he is referring to the body of Jesus, this line can be applied to our lives and habits, whether Christian or not.

Ruts, we all get into them. For me, it is with tidying and getting rid of stuff. It seems I can never get the job completed or things accumulate again. Clearly what I am doing isn't working, yet I seem to use the same tactics. This is me looking for the living among the dead. I am doing the same things over and over, yet, I'm not gaining new results. I'm not gaining happiness. I am not living.

The same can be said for having too much stuff. If we accumulate too many things, we are not able to live. Instead we are surrounded by dead things. Objects that don't give off a living energy.

What we need to do when we are stuck looking for the living among the dead is looking at things a different way. Having a paradigm shift. Thinking of ways to inject a living energy. If you are feeling devoid of energy and feel listless it is time to examine what in your life is causing you to look among the dead instead of the living. So that could be examining your relationships, your jobs, the way you do things.

Now, I am not saying you should end relationships or quit jobs, but just reexamining them and seeing what can be done to be re-energized in them.

Often when the energy in something is "dead" it is often because it is stagnant or not moving. If you are not moving at all, there will be no energy, and without energy there is no life. So think of something creative to jazz things up. In relationships that can be date night, a list of ideas can be found here. An article by Richard Paul Evans says that we should ask "how can I make your life better today?" That is injecting life into things. That is looking for living among living.

In the world, things that seem dead actually bring forth life. Compost, rotting logs, burned forests, these seem dead. But when you look at them more closely there is actually a lot of life going on in them. And from that, new life and growth can flourish. So if there is something in your life that seems dead, look at it more closely, see the life that is in it and use that as a springboard to newer and greater things.

Have a Happy Easter!

The Importance of Dating Your Spouse

This morning Miss G. came running into our room at 6:47 yelling, "Today's Friday!!! Valentine's Party, Oh Ya!!!!!!!!" She spent quite a while picking out her most perfect Valentine's party ensemble. When I told the kids it was time to put their outdoor stuff on for school, she ran down the stairs, saying "yahoo, party time!!!" She then got dressed so quickly it was amazing. Usually she is the one that I am urging to put on her snow pants, reminding her of the necessity for mitts, and telling that it is not time to play or bug others, just get your dang stuff on! There was no need for that because today is Valentine's Party day and that means today is going to be awesome.

Now I'm not sure where she got all this excitement from. We in this house don't make much hoopla over Valentine's day. I am of the opinion that you should be showing love and making romantic gestures all the time. I will say that it might help with the February blahs to make an effort to do something lovely for those you love. But, Valentine's day, in this house at least, is not full of roses, and stuffies, and other things that will just add to junk. Perhaps Miss. G's enthusiasm was more for the party then it was for actual Valentine's day. Who knows.

Lately I have been thinking about the need for dates, especially when you are married and busy raising a family. It is important to have times with your spouse or partner where you reconnect. Find out about the actual person and not just their familial role.

image from lds media files

When Matt and I were married for about three years a wise man gave us some very sage advise. He told us that we should make dates a priority, and intimated that it was important for Matt in particular to make it happen. (Matt might remember it differently, but we will go with my memory for now.)

We did not always heed his advice, but over the years I wanted more and more for Matt to make an effort and take me on a date. I was beginning to understand just how vital those times alone together could be and I was yearning for it.

Now, some might say, "why Meredith, if you want to go on a date you should just organize the whole thing. Then you would get the date you want and everything would be great". And, yes! It is important that both people in the relationship take the initiative to plan something or suggest something nice to do together. But, and there is always a but, at the time, and still now, I needed to feel that I was indeed special to Matt. If I planned everything, where we went, getting the babysitter and all of that, I would not be feeling special. I would be doing all the work, and making sure that Matt felt special, and sometimes, we need to know that we are special to the other person.

Dates are a time in your relationship when you can demonstrate that you pay attention to the other person, and plan an activity that you know your spouse will appreciate. It shows that you think the other person is special enough that you take time out of your schedule to think about and plan something that both of you can enjoy together. To me, knowing that Matt has actually thought about what might make me happy and then making it happen is really sexy.

Life today can get so busy that our thoughts can get clogged with the mundane: our chore lists, our kids homework, what's for dinner etc. Often times we might go through the whole day and not think, what can I do today that will make the love of my life feel valued and special? We should think that and do something, but it is so easy for that to get over shadowed, and for us to take our spouse or partner for granted. Planning a date and having a regular date night, will help to make those thoughts be more at the forefront.

Dates don't have to be outside the home. Sometimes it is impossible to get a babysitter, or funds are tight and going to a restaurant or mini-golfing is just not a choice. But there are lots of fun activities that you can do at home. The key is, you make the time count, and make it special, or different from all the other nights at home.

Do something more than just a movie night

I love watching movies, they are funny and entertaining, but they might not be the best for your at home date night. Why??? Because it is the actors who are talking and not you. You need to talk, communicate and know each other. If you think about the conversations you and your spouse have they usually revolve around the kids, the house, and that's about it. This is a chance for you to tell each other about you. What are your dreams, do have goals that you are working on, where do you see yourselves in 5 years, has your favourite colour changed, etc. You are not the same person you were when you were first married, neither is your spouse. Life is all about growing and evolving. Make sure that they are a part of your journey. You need to talk.

Choose an activity that won't make either of your frustrated

Board games are fun. They are entertaining and can stimulate some interesting conversation. But if both of you are always super competitive, perhaps it is not the best choice. My husband and I like to play Ticket to Ride. And while both of us like to win, that is a game that we are able to set the competitiveness aside and just have fun building our trains. Playing that game with him is not stressful and I'm not feeling anxious. So, find an activity like that. It could be a fun video game, (we like Wii Party), or anything that allows both of you to have fun, and will not shut down the conversation and make you loathe the other person.

Make an effort

This is still your date night. If it is your turn to plan, then plan. Don't leave it to the last minute. Decide what you want to do and then set it up. You could create a snack that looks as appetizing as it tastes (fruit cut into shapes). You could decorate the table so it looks nice. You could get your spouses favourite kind of herbal tea. You could both dress up a bit more fancy. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It truly is the thought put into it that counts.

Try to talk of things other than the kids

Kids do take up a lot of your time and energy and thoughts. We love them, we want to do the best for them and when they are young, especially, we have to care over them all the time. It can be hard to switch off from parent mode. There are some legitimate things that you need to discuss with your spouse about your kids. Just try not to do it on date night. This is the time for you and your spouse. It is time for you to connect. And sometimes, since you talk about the kids most of the time anyway, it is hard to think of any other subjects. So, before you have your date (and this can be at home or out of the house) write down some conversation topics or open ended questions. I know it might seem sort of dorky, because the conversation should just be flowing, but guess what, the conversation doesn't always flow and you might as well have some back up.

If you need ideas you can go online and find lots. A blog that I read just had a post with interesting at home date ideas. Check it out here. 

Here are some more links with at home date night ideas. So choose something and start dating! Remember it doesn't need to be stressful or perfect. You just have to do it. It might feel weird at first if you haven't dated with your spouse in a while, but you'll get it. It will be well worth the time and effort.

45 At Home Date Night Ideas

Top 20 Stay At Home Date Ideas

32 Stay At Home Date Night Ideas plus links to over 300 more

Thrifty Stay At Home Date Ideas

The Importance of Great Partners

Last night, as I was putting my little one to bed, I could hear through the door my husband reading a bedtime story to our older two. In that moment I felt true happiness. It was so nice that I knew as I was taking care and snuggling with our youngest, my oldest were also feeling love and closeness. My husband and I were truly working as a team in that moment in time and that is a great feeling.

As much as we like to be able to do things independently and show off our independence, there are times when it is important that we have a partner. There are times when in just makes sense to ask and to have help and support. It in nowise makes you any less of an independent super hero. Instead it allows you to share your burdens. It helps lighten your load and your partners. It helps us to feel happiness.

Partnerships can take form in many different ways. It can be a spouse, both of you working together to better your lives, run a household and raise a family in shared values and ideals. It can be a neighbour, perhaps helping each other with household tasks, gardening etc. It could even be business partners. People and companies who work together for a common great goal.

No matter what partnerships you are in they can be great. There are times when they can be infuriating. When you are bringing two sets of people together, each with different life experiences and views, there will be differences of opinions, differences in how they do things, and differences in the priorities of what to get done. This, if you let it, can cause anger, frustration, and hurt feelings to enter into things. This will not allow the partnership to work effectively or let trust occur. It is important that when having a discussion from different sides you deal with facts, not personal putdowns. It can be hard not to take things personally when something is important to you. If both sides are trying to work together for the greater good, know it is not personal, it is just trying to get the best possible outcome for what you are working towards.

In our familial partnerships, especially those with a spouse, who would have been raised differently, it important to set aside these differences and come up with a common standard in which you can operate. It means taking the best of your collective experiences and and using that as your platform for how you do things in your home. It is sharing what is important to each of them and making sure those important things are done. For example. I don't care if the bed is made in the morning. My husband does. So we need to come up with what we both can live with. It is about give and take, it is about deciding what at the end of the day is make or break deals. It is about looking out for the other's happiness. If both of you are looking to make the other happy then both of your needs should be met.

Working in partnerships can cause you to put yourself out there, which isn't always easy for you to do but the rewards and benefits are worth it. So rededicate yourself to your partnerships, which ever forms they come in and commit to making new ones, ones that will help better you, your family and your community.

A Difference of Opinions Does Not a Stupid Person Make

Yesterday was election day in Ontario. Despite only have 51% voter turn out, it was still higher than previous elections. We went from having a minority Liberal government to a majority, much to everyone's surprise. (The polls leading up to election day showed a very tight race.)

Today I went onto facebook. I had a couple of messages to deal with, but I inevitably started reading the news feed. There were some posts about the election, many voicing their sadness that the conservatives did not win or at least do better. (I seem to have a lot of conservative friends on facebook, or maybe they were the only ones who wanted/needed to post something.)

There was one post and resulting comments that really made me pause to reflect and stirred me into writing this post. (Don't worry, I am not making this a political blog.) The post basically said, and I paraphrase, that they were shocked that the Progressive Conservative party did not win, they thought they should move from Ontario because of it, and then, in later comments, more than one person said or agreed that whoever did not vote conservative were stupid, and that basically every person in the province was stupid because they didn't vote the way these particular people wanted.

Now, irregardless on how I feel about who won or lost the election, I take great insult to the way that this frustration was being taken out. We live in a world where people are different. They have different educations, ways of thinking, life experiences, talents and skills, etc. I love to read, I do not consider those who don't read to be stupid. I love Ikea, do I tell someone who doesn't that they are stupid? I think we all should recycle and compost. Do I tell someone they are stupid if they don't do those things right now?

By calling those who disagree with you or do something that you do not agree with stupid who are ultimately shutting down any exchange of ideas. Great ideas and good policy does not come from one person shutting down everyone else. It comes from a collaboration of many people. All bring to the table their collective knowledge and life history. The ideas bounce back and forth and get refined and polished. If those around the table were calling others names or calling them stupid, the dialogue would shut down fairly quickly, and not much positive change would happen.

When someone disagrees with me, I try, not always successfully, to understand where they are coming from and why they might think like that. Once that understanding is there we can discuss our views, why they are different and then come to a consensus, a way we can work together and move forward being the best we can be.

In the media and news we only see question period when our politicians are yelling at each other and acting divisive. I think that makes us feel we need to be divisive when talking about politics or elections. Behind the scenes, the politicians talk with each other, they work on committees together, and while the governing party has the ultimate say, they do hear what the other parties have to say too.

We need to listen to others and not just say that they are stupid. That is too simplistic a reaction for a complex issue such as voting. Usually a lot of thought and inner turmoil goes into whom we decide to vote for. It is not just a simple thing. When I cast my ballot I was still battling back and forth between who I would vote for. I stood with my pencil poised for about twenty seconds. If after this inner debate I voted for someone who others thought I shouldn't, should I be labeled stupid for that? I don't think so. It was a hard decision. I did not make it lightly. That is not so say that we can't be shocked or gobsmacked when things don't go our way or when people do things differently. Sometimes we have to acknowledge to ourself, "wow, that's not what I would do or act" or say "I wonder why they would have done that, that's kind of weird." But then you move on from it, you don't think that person is stupid, just different. You can either adopt their practice or not.

As for the other comment of saying they were going to move to a different province, that seems a bit over-the-top. Politicians come and go. Political climates change. In Ontario we have had conservative governments, liberal governments, and more socialist governments. and that was only in the past twenty years. Should we move every time the political climate changes? There is no guarantee that a province that has been conservative for a while won't all of the sudden change. Look at the last federal elections. Yes, the Conservatives won and formed the government, but I don't think any one saw the NDP becoming the official opposition. That was a shocker. So, moving really isn't going to do much. If you have a legitimate concern about the government, call your local representative, no matter what party they belong to. They are there to work for you. Voice your concerns. Be an advocate. Sitting back and calling people stupid and saying you will move, when let's face it, in reality that is most likely not going to happen (you need to make sure you have employment, someone needs to buy your house, you need to pack), will not bring about change, the change you think that this province/country needs/deserves.

Sorry for this rant, but I just could not believe the juvenile thinking that these people were expressing. Their lack of showing respect to others was astounding. It is fine to be upset and voice your frustration and concern, but do not blankly label people as one thing. Do not shutdown an opportunity for dialogue. And do not make idle, over-the-top threats/remarks. If you want to make Ontario a great place to live, demonstrate it through your actions and your words. No one wants to feel belittled or that their thoughts are silly. You capture more flies with honey than vinegar. Remember that when you are trying to persuade others that your way of thinking might be the best option. Here's hoping for more open dialogue opportunities in the future.

Being the Best We Can Be

On Tuesday I went to a shower for a young woman who is getting married this weekend. During the shower we were all to write down our marriage advice for the bride to be. That caused me to reflect on what being in a partnership means. What advice would I have for those already in, or those just entering, a committed relationship. It was really hard for me to figure out what to write on the paper. There are so many things that go into a committed relationship that it is hard to pick out just one that is the best. So many are multi-faceted.

There is a song that is in the children's song book for my church that I love. The last verse goes like this:

I love you, and you love me.
We reach together for the best we can be.
I love you, and you love me.
And that's the way it is supposed to be.

Every time I sing that or hear those lyrics I am always struck by the wisdom and simplicity of it. When we love each other we are committing ourselves to help each other be the best people we can be. Yes, there is a lot to that, but essentially that is what it all boils down to.

We are all imperfect people. I think I am probably the most imperfect person I know. My flaws smack me in the face everyday. (Dang, that sleep deprived temper!) But when you have a husband, wife, partner, daughter, son, friend whom you love and they love you back, you strive to be the best person you can for them, and in turn in a loving way (no nagging, though it is hard) strive to build them up so they are able to be the best person they can be. Are you perfect at doing that everyday? No. Are you going to say somethings that your probably shouldn't? Yeppers. But, there is always the next minute, hour, day, month, year to change and be better.

Becoming your best self takes time. It's like building a house. You can't just say, "I'm going to build a house", throw some sticks around and voila you are ready to move in your furniture. It takes a strong foundation and the proper tools and techniques to make sure your house is strong, firm and secure. We need a strong foundation too. We need a strong foundation of morals so we know what is right and what is wrong. Once you establish that foundation of what it means to you to be your best person, then you can move along and figure out what tools and techniques are needed. These could be getting a great support group of friends, it could be going to church or another community group that shares your same values, it could be reading books that give you ideas and help build you up, it could be getting a mentor, someone to be able to talk things through. We are so lucky to be living at a time where if we can't find those things immediately around us, we can join internet groups and forums and find like minded people. It is really awesome.

Now, back to the partnership. So we are reaching to be our best selves. But being in a partnership also means valuing and honouring our differences. My husband and I are two different people. He actually likes to watch baseball. I do not. I love to read books, he likes to read facebook. Does that mean that we are doomed to fail in our relationship? Nope, only if we let it. Partnerships are not about finding two people who are exactly the same. If we all brought the same strengths and weaknesses to the table there really wouldn't be much use to being in a partnership. Can differences be frustrating? Of course, but they can also be a great benefit. By reaching together for the best we can be we are able to use our different sets of skills and points of view to help each other along.

Things can get bumpy. When those things happen, stay humble, try not to say or do things you will regret and remember that both you and your partner are working together to be the best people you can be. It's hard at times, but it is worth it.